The Ex and I had a very enlightening conversation yesterday that has totally changed my perspective of him and our relationship. Former relationship, sorry. Turns out there were a lot of things that I didn't know about that happened during the course of the last 5 years. I'm not really pissed off about it all, but it explains why he was always so jealous of my friends and why he never trusted me. He had a guilty conscience. I was the one who totally trusted him and it turns out he didn't deserve it at all. I guess I'm pretty angry with myself for being so naive to think that I was enough of a woman to make him happy. It has totally made me re-think my entire perspective on my life and I don't know what to do about it all. I guess there really isn't anything I can do, is there? Another thing that I don't get is how he could sit there and deliberately make me feel like complete shit for things that he had done also. There really isn't anything I can do about it now anyhow, so why beat myself up over it, right? I wish it was that easy to do instead of just saying it...
On a lighter note (insert sarcasm here), I haven't slept since Thursday, except for the 4 or 5 hours that I passed out after drinking myself silly on Saturday night. Insomnia is a wonderful thing, isn't it? I'm nearing the point of delirium very quickly. I find myself having to blast the radio while I'm driving, or I start to doze off. I sit here and try to write or read the news or watch a movie and I catch myself starting to doze, so I go to bed, and suddenly I'm wide awake. I read a book, or listen to some soft music and nothing helps. As soon as my head hits the pillow, I can no longer close my eyes. I have tried cutting out all caffeine, not eating anything with a lot of sugar that might get me wound up; I've even tried sleeping pills, and nothing is helping. I can barely function right now because I am so damn exhausted. I hate feeling like this. This is ridiculous. I can't even think straight right now, so I'm gonna go before I say something stupid.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment