Update

Ok, this not smoking thing is not going well at all. I guess I never was a quitter, haha. Mands offered me some suggestions the other day, telling me that as long as I was cutting back, that was at least progress, and I have been doing that. I used to smoke a pack a day and I actually broke down and bought a pack on Monday night and I actually still have 3 left out of it so I am doing much better. I just can't seem to put them down and walk away...I'm too dependent on them and I have no willpower left right now. I tried to explain all this to Drama Queen last night and I think she kinda gets it but not totally. I promised that I would not smoke when she was with me, no matter where we were, and I told her that I was really trying hard not to smoke, but that it was going to take me a little time to get there. I have noticed that the longer I make myself go between cigarettes, the worse they taste and that is actually helping too. I almost made myself sick tonight on the way home because I was dying for one, and I knew that if I didn't smoke one on the way home, I wouldn't be able to have one until Drama Queen went to bed. I was only about 5 minutes from home so I was trying to smoke one real fast and I ended up gagging on it after about 3 drags, so I put it out. That was around 6 this evening and now it's almost 9:30 and the last one I had before I left the store was at around 4 so I'm doing better. I doubt I will be able to go without one before I go to bed because I am still not sleeping very well. I saw Truck Driver for a couple minutes today and he asked me who I got into a fight with because I have these huge dark circles under my eyes and I look like hell. Oh, did I mention that TD and I are not "involved" anymore? We will remain friends, but we have decided that it would be best if don't pursue a relationship. It's really ok, because I was only using him anyhow and he knew that. He was using me too but he was nice enough not to say so. So, I'm back to being alone again, which really isn't a bad thing, I guess. I'll miss the sex, but other than that, I'm good. I kind of like being able to come and go as I please and do what I want when I want, without having to answer to anyone right now. I still miss The Ex so bad sometimes that I will burst into tears over nothing, but I know that will take some time to get over. He has been pretty ok with me at work lately, although he still does things that make me crazy, like telling me all about the cute little house they went and looked at or about the cool new entertainment center that they bought and little shit like that. It still pisses me off, because I wanted to be the one that shared those things with him, not her. But, nobody is perfect and I made a lot of mistakes and now I have to deal with the consequences. I'm actually going out with a group of friends on Saturday to a comedy club nearby to celebrate a couple of the guys's birthdays, so that should be fun, but we'll see. I kinda really don't want to go, for one reason, because I have NOTHING to wear, and for another reason, because I kind of have a small crush on one of the guys that is going and I know that I will probably get drunk and make a fool of myself. But, my friend Carmen is going and she has begged me to go so that she will have someone to talk to in case her man gets too involved on talking with "the boys", and her and I haven't been out together in quite a while, so I guess it will be ok. I'm kinda worried about the whole smoking thing too because I know that with me drinking, I'm going to want to smoke more and I have to have some self control and try not to. I don't know, we'll see how it goes...