Alright, now I'm really bummed. Took my little Indian sweetie to the airport this morning. He'll be gone for 2 weeks...15 days, to be exact. I drove him up there this morning and we had a nice talk on the way there and it was cool to be able to spend a little more time with him, since I didn't think I was going to have that opportunity. When we got there, he asked me to stay with him a little longer and I declined, because I knew if I stayed any longer, I'd either be getting on the plane with him, or he wouldn't be going, one of those 2. These next 2 weeks are going to be the longest 2 weeks ever. He's so fucking intelligent that is scares the fuck out of me. He can see things that no one else can see...Like how fucking much I am still hung up on The Ex, even though I don't have a snowball's chance in hell of getting back with him. I know that I have to suck it up and get my shit together, but I just can't. Seems like every time I try, something happens to get my hopes up and then it's just like before and my heart gets ripped out of my chest again. Why does love have to fucking hurt so goddamn much?? And why couldn't I have found this wonderful person at a time in my life where I would be more mentally stable and able to sustain a mature adult relationship? I just don't get it. He did say that he would keep in touch via e-mail and that he would call me the second his plane lands in Chicago, and if I have come to terms with my former relationship, then maybe we will have a chance of making this work. If not, then I guess this is just fate playing a cruel joke on me and allowing me to get accustomed to this wonderful man and then not even giving me a chance at a future with him. Deep down I know that I have to get past all this, but I can't. Part of me keeps holding on...To what, I'm not sure. The 2 of us (The Ex and I) can't even carry on a conversation anymore without ending up bashing the hell out of each other. I know that sounds really childish, and that is exactly what I am trying to get past, but every time I seem to make a little progress, something happens to piss me off and I'm right back where I started from. I came across this song by a group called Blue October that speaks volumes:
Hate Me
I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes crying and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
If you can find it, listen to it. It's haunting me for some reason. From what I can tell about this song, it seems to be directed towards this person's mother, but it still seems to fit. My sweet little friend keeps putting up with my crap. He has been the sweetest person to me even though it is so obvious to him what I am feeling. The craziest part is that we haven't even taken this "relationship", for lack of a better term, to the next "level", if you know what I mean. So, it's not like he is even getting anything out of this! That scares me a little. I know that he is in my life for a reason, but I can't figure out exactly what that reason is. He certainly doesn't deserve to be treated this way...Getting close to me only to have me push him away because I catch a glimmer of hope that maybe things will be ok with The Ex and then running back to him when I get my heart stomped on again. And he's there, waiting with open arms. That frightens me more than anything, that he is there, waiting, almost like he knows how this is going to play out even before anyone else. But he isn't going to be there forever...Nothing good in my life ever lasts forever. Man, I sure hope he doesn't come back married...
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