I've become popular all of the sudden

Seems that the secret of my true identity has caused quite a stir over at RW...BS, especially on the zonkboard. AmyJo thinks I am JohnnyC's long lost heavy metal princess, which I am sorry to say, I really don't think so. Last night, RLB was trying to start rumors that I was stalking him and that I am in love with him. Thanks to Boz for telling him to quit, even though it didn't do any good. Truth is, JohnnyC probably really doesn't know who I am, and even if I told him my name, he still wouldn't know who I was. And, he would probably be disappointed after all this!! So, maybe this weekend, while I am off, I will try to dig up a half-way decent recent picture of myself, especially since the yearbook photo from the year that I think he is referencing is THE WORST PICTURE I HAVE EVER HAD TAKEN, and I will post it here next week. Not that I want to spoil all the fun or anything like that, but with all this hype, he's gonna be expecting the likes of Lita Ford or some shit like that...

Too bad, so sad

Alright, now I'm really bummed. Took my little Indian sweetie to the airport this morning. He'll be gone for 2 weeks...15 days, to be exact. I drove him up there this morning and we had a nice talk on the way there and it was cool to be able to spend a little more time with him, since I didn't think I was going to have that opportunity. When we got there, he asked me to stay with him a little longer and I declined, because I knew if I stayed any longer, I'd either be getting on the plane with him, or he wouldn't be going, one of those 2. These next 2 weeks are going to be the longest 2 weeks ever. He's so fucking intelligent that is scares the fuck out of me. He can see things that no one else can see...Like how fucking much I am still hung up on The Ex, even though I don't have a snowball's chance in hell of getting back with him. I know that I have to suck it up and get my shit together, but I just can't. Seems like every time I try, something happens to get my hopes up and then it's just like before and my heart gets ripped out of my chest again. Why does love have to fucking hurt so goddamn much?? And why couldn't I have found this wonderful person at a time in my life where I would be more mentally stable and able to sustain a mature adult relationship? I just don't get it. He did say that he would keep in touch via e-mail and that he would call me the second his plane lands in Chicago, and if I have come to terms with my former relationship, then maybe we will have a chance of making this work. If not, then I guess this is just fate playing a cruel joke on me and allowing me to get accustomed to this wonderful man and then not even giving me a chance at a future with him. Deep down I know that I have to get past all this, but I can't. Part of me keeps holding on...To what, I'm not sure. The 2 of us (The Ex and I) can't even carry on a conversation anymore without ending up bashing the hell out of each other. I know that sounds really childish, and that is exactly what I am trying to get past, but every time I seem to make a little progress, something happens to piss me off and I'm right back where I started from. I came across this song by a group called Blue October that speaks volumes:

Hate Me

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head

They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed

Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone

Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home

There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain

An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?

And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?

And will you never try to reach me?

It is I that wanted space

Hate me today

Hate me tomorrow

Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with

The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again

In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night

While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight

You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate

You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take

So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind

And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today

Hate me tomorrow

Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways

Yeah ways hard to swallow

Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave

Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made

And like a baby boy I never was a man

Until I saw your blue eyes crying and I held your face in my hand

And then I fell down yelling “make it go away!”

Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be

And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

Hate me today

Hate me tomorrow

Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways

Yeah ways hard to swallow

Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

If you can find it, listen to it. It's haunting me for some reason. From what I can tell about this song, it seems to be directed towards this person's mother, but it still seems to fit. My sweet little friend keeps putting up with my crap. He has been the sweetest person to me even though it is so obvious to him what I am feeling. The craziest part is that we haven't even taken this "relationship", for lack of a better term, to the next "level", if you know what I mean. So, it's not like he is even getting anything out of this! That scares me a little. I know that he is in my life for a reason, but I can't figure out exactly what that reason is. He certainly doesn't deserve to be treated this way...Getting close to me only to have me push him away because I catch a glimmer of hope that maybe things will be ok with The Ex and then running back to him when I get my heart stomped on again. And he's there, waiting with open arms. That frightens me more than anything, that he is there, waiting, almost like he knows how this is going to play out even before anyone else. But he isn't going to be there forever...Nothing good in my life ever lasts forever. Man, I sure hope he doesn't come back married...

I'm bummed...

I'm totally bummed out tonight. And I don't even want to talk about it. So, instead, I'm posting the lyrics to a song that I have heard several times in the past couple days. Kinda sums up how I feel right now.

You Can Sleep While I Drive
Melissa Ethridge

Come on baby let’s get out of this town
I got a full tank of gas with the top rolled down
There’s a chill in my bones
I don’t want to be left alone
So baby you can sleep while I drive
I’ll pack my bag and load up my guitar
In my pocket I’ll carry my harp
I got some money I saved
Enough to get underway
And baby you can sleep while I drive
We’ll go thorough tucson up to santa fe
And barbara in nashville says we’re welcome to stay
I’ll buy you glasses in texas a hat from new orleans
And in the morning you can tell me your dreams
You know I’ve seen it before
This mist that covers your eyes
You’ve been looking for something
That’s not in your life
My intentions are true
Won’t you take me with you
And baby you can sleep while I drive
Oh is it other arms you want to
Hold you the stranger
The lover you’re free
Can’t you get that with me
Come on baby let’s get out of this town
I got a full tank of gas with the top rolled down
If you won’t take me with you
I’ll go before night is through
And baby you can sleep while I drive

I'm having too much fun with this...

JohnnyC, aka Juan Bodley, seems to be on a quest for information...If any of you out there actually know my true identity, DON'T TELL HIM! He'll figure it out on his own after a while and then it won't be any fun anymore. Sorry, JohnnyC, I love tormenting people.

If at first you don't succeed...

Ok, I failed miserably at not smoking. So badly, in fact, that I am almost back up to a pack a day. But I am going to give it the old college try one more time. I have like 3 cigarettes left and I am going to try really really really really hard not to buy anymore. With smokes at over $3 a pack and gas pretty damn close to that, I really need to stop. At $3 a pack and a pack a day, that's about $90 a month...Dang, I could finance that Hawaii trip in about 1000 years. But seriously, I have to stop. My friend and I started walking last week, and we plan to continue to do so at least 3 nights a week. We are walking 2 miles a night. But, my point was going to be that I knew that I was in bad shape, but I thought I was going to die after the first night. I was breathing so hard, you would have thought I had just ran a marathon instead of just walking a couple of miles. Wish me luck and I'll keep you posted.
Spent some time with my sweet little Indian friend Friday night. Probably won't see him for 3 weeks. He leaves for India on Thursday morning and I won't be able to get away to spend any time with him before that. I am going to miss him so bad. I found out this morning (Saturday) just how racist my father is. I knew he had issues but I truly had no idea until this morning when I was getting ready to leave for work and we had a huge argument about me dating an Indian man. He threatened me and told me that I better never plan on bringing him into this house and all this shit and how in the hell could I possibly be dating a "raghead". That totally pissed me off. First of all, he is Indian, not Iraqi or where the hell ever those people come from. He just proved to me what an ignorant asshole he can be sometimes. Second, I am 32 fucking years old. Last time I checked, adulthood struck at 18. Which means that I have been able to make my own choices, whether they are good or bad, for 14 years. Third, and this is that best one of all, HE TREATS ME BETTER THEN ANY WHITE MAN HAS IN A LONG GODDAMN TIME!!!! So, WTF? I just don't get people. But I'm sure that his family would probably do the same thing if they knew he had been dating a white woman. It still pisses me off though. I have tried my best to raise my daughter to not judge people based on their race or religion and I hate the fact that she lives under the same roof with someone who is so fucking narrow-minded that they can't see past the end of their nose. Ok, I'm getting off my soapbox now.
I am so tired right now. My legs have ached for the last couple of days, from all the walking that I have been doing. I know that once I get used to it, it will be alright, but it sure hurts right now. And it really doesn't help the insomnia much either when every time I find a comfortable position and I go to roll over, my hip screams in agony, or my knees start crying. I hope it goes away soon.
Took Drama Queen summer clothes shopping tonight. Spent way to damn much money. Got some really good deals, though...Won't tell you how much I spent, but I SAVED $192. Everything she picked out was on sale and for the amount of money that I spent, she really did get a lot of stuff. Barring a MAJOR growth spurt in the next few months, I shouldn't have to buy her anything else until time to go back to school in the fall.
Well, might not be back for a few days. Inventory tomorrow night at the store and no day off until next weekend, so who knows when I will feel like sitting down here again. Not that anyone really cares...

Calgon, take me away...

Oh my god. I have more drama in my life than Young & the Restless, General Hospital and All My Children put together. And I can't even tell you all about it because I promised The Ex that I would be nice and not bash him on here anymore. Not that he deserves my kindness, but...
Thanks to Juan Bodley for the link-up. I think it's kinda funny that he doesn't even know who I am and we grew up in the same town. It's all good though. If you haven't already, check him out. He's hilarious.
My little Indian friend and I have been spending a lot of time together. Bad thing is he is going home (to India) at the end of the month. He is only going home for a 2 week visit, but he is afraid that his parents are going to try to marry him off while he is there. So, we have slowed things down and are trying to keep our distance, at least emotionally, until after he gets back and we see what happens. I told him that he should exert is independence and stand up to them, but evidentially, I don't know much about Indian customs, but I do know that he deeply loves and respects his parents and I can't imagine him being rebellious or dis-respectful. He did share with me that he is the oldest child in him family and that if he goes against their wishes, that would open up the door for the other children in his family to go against their wishes also, and then he would probably be dis-owned. I don't know how the whole thing works, so maybe someone could explain it to me. I would ask him, but I don't want him to think I am a complete idiot. Even though I am...
On the sleeping front...Still not doing it, at least not enough to matter. Have gotten a lot of reading done lately though. I either need to find someone to sleep with every night or I need a new mattress. I think I better start saving my money because I doubt I'm gonna be finding a sleeping partner any time soon!
I think I have succeeded in making Truck Driver a little bit jealous. Evidentially, the "potential relationship" that he was supposed to be getting into either isn't happening anymore or he was feeding me a line of shit to see if he could get a reaction out of me, which I am proud to say, he did not. After he told me that, I stopped calling him on a daily basis and now I only call him every couple of days or so...Unless he calls me first, of course, or unless I have something really important to tell him. He called me on Sunday to see if I wanted to hang out for a bit, so I went to his house, (first time I had been there) for a little while. It was pretty late but since I don't sleep anyhow, it really wasn't a big deal. We hung out together for a while, and surprisingly, didn't do anything but watch TV and talk. Was kind of nice. He did ask me if I was spending the night, which I couldn't do, because of Drama Queen needing to get up for school in the morning. Then I called him Monday because I had something for him but he was too busy for us to get together so I could give it to him. I talked to him and saw him briefly yesterday, but he had his son with him all day, so it was just kind of like "hi, call me later, bye" and then I did talk to him for about 10 minutes last evening. Today, I was in a meeting all day and I didn't call him, or anyone else for that matter. He calls me tonight, at about 9:00 and his first words were "are you too good to call me anymore?" "How come I always have to be the one that calls you?" So, I told him why I didn't call anymore and he acted like he was all hurt and shit, but he'll get over it. He just needs someone to feel sorry for him every now and again...
Anywho, this whole post was pointless, but then again, when do I ever make much sense?? I'm gonna go finish my book...

Turn out the lights, the party's over...

Back to work tomorrow after having the last week off. Didn't really do anything special but was kinda nice to just lay around and not have to do anything in particular. I met a new guy over the weekend, last Saturday to be exact, and I've already saw him 3 times this week. He's a great guy: sweet, funny, charming, all the good stuff, but I don't know. He's younger than me by about 5 years and, while we do have quite a bit in common, he is of Indian decent and my family is totally red-neck racist. My mom wouldn't care, really, as long as I was happy, but my dad would have a stroke. I don't really care what my siblings would think. I don't judge them, so they have no say in what I do with my life. My extended family is full of hillbilly rednecks that still think it's 1975 and I would probably be dis-owned. Not that I really care. I've never really given a shit what they all think, but at the same time, I wouldn't want to subject him to their ignorance. He's very intelligent and we share a lot of common interests...We like the same movies, the same music, the same books. Three dates and he's already telling me how beautiful I am and how much he loves my eyes. He says I have very expressive eyes and he spends most of our time together staring into them very intently. Made me a little uncomfortable at first, but his eyes are very beautiful also, and it's nice to be able to carry on a conversation with someone that wants to look at you and not turn their back on you. We've had some pretty interesting conversations. He has told me a little bit about Indian culture and that has helped me understand some of the things he says and does. And he is a complete and total gentlemen. Opens doors for me, including car doors, pulls my chair out for me, compliments me regularly, always asks for my opinion before making decisions involving the time we spend together, and he has not made any sort of "move" on me without asking me if it was ok first. On our first date, he asked me if he could hug me before I left and the same on our second date, except he wanted to hug me when I first got there also. On our third date, he hugged me when I got there and kissed my cheek and when I went to leave, he asked if he could kiss me, which I, of course, told him he could. It was a just a simple kiss, nothing too overbearing or invasive or anything like that, but it was nice. It's totally awesome being with someone that doesn't think we have to jump in bed right away. He's away in Chicago this weekend, for the wedding reception of a former roommate, so I won't get to see him until Sunday and maybe not even then, depending on what time he gets home. He promised he would call when he got in tonight, so I'm looking forward to that phone call. That's another thing...After each one of our dates, he has asked me to call him and let him know when I arrived home safely so that he wouldn't worry. After date #3, I forgot to call him, and he ended up calling me about 30 minutes after I got home, just to make sure everything was alright. Those conversations are short and sweet, just "glad you made it home alright, I enjoyed spending the evening with you, I can't wait to see you again." But they are meaningful to me because I actually feel like he genuinely gives a shit. I don't know, it's too early to tell anything, but he's sweet and funny and I like him, and we'll see what happens.
In other news, I went out with Truck Driver again last night. It was totally nothing but a drunken booty call. And a very bad decision on my part. I shouldn't let him talk me into shit, I know, but I can't help myself. He turns on the charm and I am putty in his hands. And, while I really don't expect anything from him, he never called me today and he usually calls me every day. Oh well, I know exactly what I am to him and I just have to work up enough self-esteem to tell him I'm not gonna be his booty call any more. The sex is really good, though, and all he has to do is start kissing me, and I can't fucking tell him no. But if things progress with the New Guy, then I will definitely tell him that we can only be friends, not friends "with benefits."
Ok, so, like I said, back to work tomorrow. Lucky me. Back to my same old boring routine. I'm really beginning to hate my life. I gotta make some changes real fast...I feel myself totally being stuck in a rut that I am not going to be able to dig myself out of if I don't do something fast. And I'm still not sleeping much. Two or three hours a night. Which is total bullshit. I can get used to the no sleep thing, I've been through this before. What I can't get used to is that the sleep that I do get is not restful sleep so exhaustion is creeping up on me very quickly and I can't deal with that very well. Today for example: the last time I looked at the clock, it was 3:45. I woke up at 6:30 because we went shopping today at the Outlet Mall in Fremont, IN, and we wanted to get an early start, since it was over an hour drive away and I got up that early so Drama Queen and I could both shower and get ready. Anyhow, we headed back around 2 o'clock this afternoon and it was all I could do to keep my eyes open while driving. We took the little girl that went with us home and came home and I turned on the computer for a few minutes so I could check e-mail and stuff like that, not that I ever get anything worthwhile (except for the occasional e-mails from MadMands), and by this time, I was totally exhausted. I took my shoes off and laid down to take a nap, and as soon as my head hit the pillows, my eyes were wide open. I tossed and turned for a while, trying to get comfortable, and finally started reading a little, hoping that I would bore myself to sleep, but that didn't help either. Finally, I gave up and just got up, because I wasn't making any progress. And, now I am so damn tired I can barely move. Maybe I need a new mattress. Or maybe I just need to get the fuck away from all the shit that drives me crazy and constantly runs through my head and keeps me from being still for more than 30 seconds at a time. Insomnia is a wonderful thing, isn't it?