I love you guys...

Thanks so much to all the folks over at RW...BS, especially AmyJo, for turning me on to Zappos for shoes. Not only did I buy the most awesome pair of motorcycle boots, but they were $10 cheaper than the exact same pair at a local department store AND I got free shipping AND the nice people at Zappos even upgraded my shipping from standard 4-5 day shipping to express next-day shipping AT NO EXTRA CHARGE!! I think I'm in love.

Are these not the coolest boots you have ever seen? Not that I will ever have a motorcycle ride while I'm wearing them, but I will look cool not riding my motorcycle. Or something like that. Whatever, I haven't slept in a week. Give me a break.

Very enlightening...

The Ex and I had a very enlightening conversation yesterday that has totally changed my perspective of him and our relationship. Former relationship, sorry. Turns out there were a lot of things that I didn't know about that happened during the course of the last 5 years. I'm not really pissed off about it all, but it explains why he was always so jealous of my friends and why he never trusted me. He had a guilty conscience. I was the one who totally trusted him and it turns out he didn't deserve it at all. I guess I'm pretty angry with myself for being so naive to think that I was enough of a woman to make him happy. It has totally made me re-think my entire perspective on my life and I don't know what to do about it all. I guess there really isn't anything I can do, is there? Another thing that I don't get is how he could sit there and deliberately make me feel like complete shit for things that he had done also. There really isn't anything I can do about it now anyhow, so why beat myself up over it, right? I wish it was that easy to do instead of just saying it...
On a lighter note (insert sarcasm here), I haven't slept since Thursday, except for the 4 or 5 hours that I passed out after drinking myself silly on Saturday night. Insomnia is a wonderful thing, isn't it? I'm nearing the point of delirium very quickly. I find myself having to blast the radio while I'm driving, or I start to doze off. I sit here and try to write or read the news or watch a movie and I catch myself starting to doze, so I go to bed, and suddenly I'm wide awake. I read a book, or listen to some soft music and nothing helps. As soon as my head hits the pillow, I can no longer close my eyes. I have tried cutting out all caffeine, not eating anything with a lot of sugar that might get me wound up; I've even tried sleeping pills, and nothing is helping. I can barely function right now because I am so damn exhausted. I hate feeling like this. This is ridiculous. I can't even think straight right now, so I'm gonna go before I say something stupid.

Crazy weekend

Holy shit. I drank so much this weekend that my liver is leaving me for another body. I swear, I really don't drink that much on a regular basis...Maybe a drink or 2 a week at the most. Last night I was on a bender...And I am so freaking glad I wasn't driving. We started out at the comedy club, which was pretty fun. The headliner was pretty cool and I enjoyed most of his jokes and stuff. This particular club is notorious for serving some of their specialty drinks in quart-sized jars. Holy shit, Batman. Long Island Ice Tea and quart-size jars are not a good combination. I don't know how many times I told everybody, "I only had 3 drinks at the comedy club." Wow. It's funny how after the first one, they really didn't have a taste anymore. Probably because I had already murdered all my taste buds one the first one. Or, I just really didn't care, one or the other. After the comedy club, we went to this multi-club place that was right across the parking lot, because we actually got in for free since we went to the comedy club first. This place is like 5 different clubs all under one roof. Pretty cool, you might think, a little bit of everything for everyone. This place has actually been around for a while, and those of you that live close or have every lived close will know exactly where I am talking about but since I don't normally offer free advertising, I'm not gonna mention the name. Anyways, being the wholesome little small town girl that I am (quit laughing!!), I had never been to this particular hot spot before and I can see why. I was probably too drunk to enjoy the whole experience, but I'm the type of person that doesn't want to have to smell what the person I am talking to had for dinner just to have a conversation with someone. That, and I do not dance, at least not in public places, or at least not very well in public places unless I am extremely intoxicated, and I was not THAT drunk last night. I was pretty shocked at the level of security at this place. At every door, there were at least 2 security guards. When you walk in the door, you hand the first guy your ID (and yes, they checked EVERY SINGLE PERSON who came through the door), he hands it to the other guy, who scans it to make sure you aren't in their "you can't play here" database, and then the first guy turns back to you and does one of two things, depending on whether you are male or female. If you are a guy, you get frisked. If you are a girl, you have to allow them to look in your purse or handbag or whatever you might be carrying. He doesn't like, dump the contents on the floor and sift through them or anything like that, but he has a small flashlight and he just skims through to make sure you are smuggling any weapons or drugs inside the club. Never mind that there are probably 100 drug dealers floating around the crowd and if you really wanted a weapon, that's what beer bottles are for, dammit. Anyways, I'm getting off track here...So, we wait in line for a ridiculous amount of time, and finally get inside and go through the security line and all that good stuff and I buy myself a beer. Remember, I'm already toasted by this time, after the 3 quart-size Long Islands. So, we are walking around and checking things out and I'm just kinda looking around and trying not to get lost. We are talking culture shock for me; I'm used to the bars that can hold about 100 people max. This place could hold probably closer to 5000. Not that there were that many people there last night but it was pretty packed. So, we are walking around, like I said, and we walk through this big group of guys, and it was pretty close quarters, so there really wasn't any way to keep from bumping into each other, right? As we were walking through, one of these assholes decides to cop a feel and grabs my boob. WHAT THE FUCK? Mother fucker, I did not just get felt up in a crowded, noisy bar by a complete fucking stranger. I was pissed. One of the guys that was in my group of people saw it too, and he was laughing his ass off, but he wouldn't tell me which one did it because we probably would have gotten thrown out and then our names would have been added to the "you can't play here" list. After that, I don't remember much, except taking the shuttle that this club provides down to another bar that was playing 80's music and that was pretty cool. But, then again, I don't dance, so I just kinda stood around and watched people. I did have this one moron that wanted me to pose for a picture (no, not a naked one) with him, which I didn't because I FUCKING HATE having my picture taken, even if it is with/by a complete stranger. Think about it, how many of you, except for those that know me personally, have ever seen a picture of me on here? And those of you that went to the same high school as me don't count. When we decided to leave the cool 80's retro bar, we, of course, had to wait for the little shuttle thing to come back, and we stood around and waited for 45 damn minutes, which was freaking stupid as hell. It was either that, or we try to cram 6 of us in a cab and split the fare, and that wasn't gonna work, considering 4 of us were pretty big people. So, we finally get back to the multi-club place and it's like 3 a.m., which is when the bars close here in Indiana, so we all stumbled to our cars and headed for home. Thank God I wasn't driving. I was so damn drunk and so damn tired that I could barely keep my eyes open. I think I poured myself to bed around 4 and slept for about 4 hours and then had to get up and go to work. I was still fucking drunk when I drove to work this morning!! Long damn day too...I only worked 3 hours, but I've been on the go all day too, and this is the first time I've sat down long enough to catch my breath. Oh, and the quit smoking thing took a backseat last night too. Apparently, I can't drink without smoking, or at least that was my story last night anyhow, so my lungs have been crying all day too. They threatened to leave me too, but I promised that I wouldn't cheat on them anymore. I did have a like 3 cigarettes today, but that was mostly to get myself jump-started this morning, since I was still fucking drunk. Alright, enough bitching for one night. My dumbass is going to bed with my Ipod. My dog snores now and I have to have something to block out that noise or I can't get to sleep. Hopefully, I won't hang myself on the headphone cord in my sleep. Night ya'll.

Update

Ok, this not smoking thing is not going well at all. I guess I never was a quitter, haha. Mands offered me some suggestions the other day, telling me that as long as I was cutting back, that was at least progress, and I have been doing that. I used to smoke a pack a day and I actually broke down and bought a pack on Monday night and I actually still have 3 left out of it so I am doing much better. I just can't seem to put them down and walk away...I'm too dependent on them and I have no willpower left right now. I tried to explain all this to Drama Queen last night and I think she kinda gets it but not totally. I promised that I would not smoke when she was with me, no matter where we were, and I told her that I was really trying hard not to smoke, but that it was going to take me a little time to get there. I have noticed that the longer I make myself go between cigarettes, the worse they taste and that is actually helping too. I almost made myself sick tonight on the way home because I was dying for one, and I knew that if I didn't smoke one on the way home, I wouldn't be able to have one until Drama Queen went to bed. I was only about 5 minutes from home so I was trying to smoke one real fast and I ended up gagging on it after about 3 drags, so I put it out. That was around 6 this evening and now it's almost 9:30 and the last one I had before I left the store was at around 4 so I'm doing better. I doubt I will be able to go without one before I go to bed because I am still not sleeping very well. I saw Truck Driver for a couple minutes today and he asked me who I got into a fight with because I have these huge dark circles under my eyes and I look like hell. Oh, did I mention that TD and I are not "involved" anymore? We will remain friends, but we have decided that it would be best if don't pursue a relationship. It's really ok, because I was only using him anyhow and he knew that. He was using me too but he was nice enough not to say so. So, I'm back to being alone again, which really isn't a bad thing, I guess. I'll miss the sex, but other than that, I'm good. I kind of like being able to come and go as I please and do what I want when I want, without having to answer to anyone right now. I still miss The Ex so bad sometimes that I will burst into tears over nothing, but I know that will take some time to get over. He has been pretty ok with me at work lately, although he still does things that make me crazy, like telling me all about the cute little house they went and looked at or about the cool new entertainment center that they bought and little shit like that. It still pisses me off, because I wanted to be the one that shared those things with him, not her. But, nobody is perfect and I made a lot of mistakes and now I have to deal with the consequences. I'm actually going out with a group of friends on Saturday to a comedy club nearby to celebrate a couple of the guys's birthdays, so that should be fun, but we'll see. I kinda really don't want to go, for one reason, because I have NOTHING to wear, and for another reason, because I kind of have a small crush on one of the guys that is going and I know that I will probably get drunk and make a fool of myself. But, my friend Carmen is going and she has begged me to go so that she will have someone to talk to in case her man gets too involved on talking with "the boys", and her and I haven't been out together in quite a while, so I guess it will be ok. I'm kinda worried about the whole smoking thing too because I know that with me drinking, I'm going to want to smoke more and I have to have some self control and try not to. I don't know, we'll see how it goes...

Beware

Stay away from me. Trust me on this one. I've stopped smoking again, this time, hopefully, for good, so you might want to stay out of my way. No cigarettes + no sex (at least not this week) = SUPER-MEGA-BITCH. I'm trying everything I can think of so far. I actually bought some of that nicotine gum shit. Don't ever do that. It tastes like shit. And so far, doesn't really help any more than the mega-size bag of Starburst that I bought. I also bought a huge bag of Twizzlers and a equally huge bag of gummy bears. The gummy bears I have yet to open, the Starburst I opened this even, but haven't made much of a dent in, and the Twizzlers...Well, let's just say that I am about to puke just thinking of eating more Twizzlers. I'm doing alright, I think, but I am craving cigarettes really fucking bad. I decided, in a drunken stupor, that Friday night would be my last night as a smoker. I only had a few left, and the persons' house that we were at is not a smoker, so I was going outside. I smoked all but one cigarette while we were there and then smoked that last one on my way home and haven't bought any since then. I did bum a couple off The Ex yesterday when we were at work, but 2 cigarettes in 2 days is pretty damn good for me, since I was getting close to a pack a day. I'm bitchy as hell though. I'm gonna start walking tomorrow, during my lunch break on the days that I have to work late, and on the days that I am off early, my friend and I are going to take advantage of the indoor track at the local middle school, at least until it warms up enough that we can walk outside and then we will probably start going to the park and walking the nature trail. I really want to lose some weight and get myself in shape and I knew that I wouldn't be able to do much as long as I was still smoking, since I can barely walk across our yard, which is pretty damn small actually, without getting winded. I have a good friend that had gastric bypass surgery a couple of years ago, and has lost over 200 lbs. From it but I think that is a bit drastic. I'm not willing to put myself through that, not after seeing what she went through. For those of you that do not know me personally, I have always been overweight and really didn't care what others thought about me, but now I'm the one that is bothered by the whole thing. I'm finally not doing all this to impress a man, or anyone else for that matter. I'm doing this because I am 32 years old, I weigh too damn much to put down here because I don't want to frighten anyone, and my smoking habit was just one more vice. I have to make some serious changes or I won't be here to watch my little girl grow up and all the great stuff that comes along with it. I'm finally doing this for me, fuck everybody else, it's my turn. And, yeah, I'm sure I will have some set-backs along the way, but I'm not doing this for anyone but me, so I don't have a schedule to keep or anything like that. It will happen all in due time. I will try to keep you all posted on my progress and I would appreciate any support that comes my way. I have 3 friends that are helping me with the stopping smoking thing...I send them text messages when ever I get a craving really bad, and then send me back all these things to do instead. They have been wonderful...Even though it has only been 2 days and I haven't bitten their heads off yet. Give me time, I'm sure I will soon. I gottta get off here...Making myself want one really bad...

Sorry I have been away...

Wow, what a week. I don't even know where to begin...Right now my wiener dog is running through the house like he is on crack, with his squeaky toy in his mouth and I really want to kill the person who bought that for him. That damn thing needs to disappear. Anyhow, where was I...Oh yeah, what a damn week. The Ex asked me to stop bad-mouthing him on here so I won't tell you all the details, but we actually did have a rather good couple of days Wednesday and Thursday. Wednesday was the 11th anniversary of a VERY bad experience and I was having a VERY hard time dealing with it. But he was totally cool with me all day long, trying to tell me that everything was going to be ok, and even went so far as to surprise me with buying me lunch. And Thursday wasn't bad either, we didn't argue or anything all day long. He did drop a bombshell on me that made me cry, but he didn't do for that reason. It just totally caught me off guard and I wasn't prepared for it. Anyhow, after he dropped the bomb on me, Truck Driver called and asked me if I could find someone to cover for me on Friday so I could ride to Cincinnati with him Thursday night, spend the night there, and come back on Friday. So, in my classic fashion of you hurt me, I'll hurt you, I made arrangements for someone to cover the store in my absence and made arrangements for Drama Queen to stay with my sister so that she could go to school on Friday with my niece and I went with him. Now, mind you, The Ex was off on Friday and I didn't even ask him to cover for me, because I knew that he wouldn't so I made arrangements for someone to come in from another store to help out. Everything would have been perfectly fine if he hadn't woke up Friday morning with a burr up his ass and decided to ruin my day off. I normally only take one day off a week, and in the 5 years that I have worked for this company, I have taken 3 sick days, including this past Friday. So, I kinda felt like I deserved to take a day off and have a little fun, right? Wrong. The Ex decided to call the store and tell them exactly what I was doing (I had told them I had an emergency). Then he called me while I was still on the road with Truck Driver and told me that they (my employees) had figured out what I was doing and were all pissed off at me. That totally pissed me off because I hadn't compromised his day off so that I could take mine. I made other arrangements so that his day was not affected at all. Turns out that my employee wasn't really pissed off about having to work all day, but he was pissed about the person that came in to help because she was a dumbass and she drove him nuts all day. So, he and I worked it all out and I had already scheduled him off for 4 days this coming weekend, because he is going to Chicago for his girl-friends b-day, so it's all good there. The Ex even called later in the day to apologize for being an asshole. Evidently his new woman told him that he was being a jerk and made him realize that he needs to leave me alone. I don't mess with their personal lives and she made him see that he needs to stop messing with mine. So, that all turned out alright...
Now, about the whole road trip...
What an eye-opening experience that was. If you ever want to see how long you can tolerate someone, go on a road-trip with them...Preferably one where you don't stop for several hours...If I wasn't already starting to suspect that there will never be anything long-term between TD and I, this little road trip would have done it for me. Damn. I like this guy, he is nice to me, most of the time, anyhow, and he is funny and charming and all that good stuff. But, he talks too much for one thing. And for another thing, he had a serious gas problem on the way down there. I never heard anything but there were several times where I had to roll the window down to breathe. Now, don't get me wrong, I understand that gas is a natural bodily function, and often times, if you hold it in, it causes serious pain, but when you are trying to impress someone, it's not exactly an attractive trait. And I don't know what the hell he eats, but it cannot be natural, that is for damn certain! And I'm not exactly positive, because it was nighttime and very dark and all that, but I could have sworn he kept picking his nose. Add that to the fact that he kept jumping from one radio station to another, and he was singing every single song that came on the radio, word for word, and I was slightly annoyed by the time we stopped for the night. On top of all that, he doesn't smoke and he wouldn't let me smoke in the truck either so I was several hours without a cigarette. Not a good thing, although I am quitting tomorrow, so I guess it was good practice. We decided that we weren't going to waste the money on a motel room since we were only stopping for a few hours and his truck does have a sleeper in it, so what the hell, right? Wrong again. This particular sleeper was not made for 2 people, I am positive of that. We tried to sleep for a little while, and after being unsuccessful, we moved on a little further and then he stopped at a truck stop so I could use the restroom and when I came back from the restroom, he was crashed out in the back again. I slept for a little while in my seat, which actually wasn't bad, and I knew that he was extremely tired, so I just left him alone. He was driving, after all, and he had my life in his hands, pretty much, and I really didn't want to die in a horrible truck accident because he didn't get enough sleep. The trip home wasn't too bad, except for when I called my best friend to tell her that I wasn't going to be able to meet her for lunch because I wouldn't be home in time to take a shower and get there before her lunch break and he mouthed off something about me not being able to make it because I didn't want to walk around with cum in my ass. Nice. Real nice. Jerk. So, yeah, he talks too fucking much and he is rude and obnoxious, but the sex is awesome, so I will keep him around for that until something better comes along. Besides that, he has also asked me to go to Chicago with him, and I haven't ever been there and have wanted to go for a really long time, so hopefully, I can swing that sometime soon. I know that sounds really bad, me using him for sex and all that, but it's not like I have anything else going on right now, and I am at a point in my life where I really don't give a shit anymore how it looks to people. As long as I can sleep at night and I can look at myself in the mirror in the morning, then it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks.
So that was the highlight of my weekend. Pretty lame, huh? Hope I didn't bore you too terribly bad. I gotta go, Carlos Mencia is coming on Comedy Central here shortly and I have been waiting for this show for a week now. Over and out.

Blahhhhhhhh

God I hate being sick. I have totally felt like shit for the last 3 days. And of course, I have no one that will work for me, so here I sit. Yippie. Haven't really had anything major happen over the last few days. Talked with Truck Driver in depth about his little temper tantrum the other day. Finally got him to open up a little and tell me what the hell was wrong. Turns out there was a death in his family, which would make anyone a little on edge, but then he came right out and apologized for acting that way, before I even had a chance to address it. So, I guess I can kind of understand where his head was, but at the same time, I definitely have my guard up here. The Ex hasn't been all up my ass either, which is kind of nice, although, yesterday he did try to start some shit with me. Since I didn't feel good, he kinda got under my skin at first, but not for long. He ended up going home early, instead of being a nice guy and offering to stay so I could go home, even though I just covered for him a couple weeks ago when he threw his back out. Sat in a meeting all day long and then turned around and drove 45 minutes, one way, just to work for 3 hours. But he couldn't stay because he had plans. Whatever. I'll remember that. I guess since I had to be here, being here without him was much nicer. At least that way, I don't have to endure the hateful stares and the snide remarks. And he still had the nerve to send me a text message at 4 in the fucking morning asking me to call him and wake him up at 8. He knows I keep my phone on the headboard at night. Jerk.
Anyways, things are ok at the moment with Truck Driver, and he is going to a Komets game with me this Sunday. One of my vendors at work bought a bunch of tickets and we even get the Budweiser Suite. Woo-hoo! Free beer, free food, who could ask for more?? Don't worry, I am definitely being careful this time. His behavior is in no way excused or forgotten. Not sure if I will see him tonight or not, but I kinda hope so. We have talked several times in the last 2 days, but he has been busy with his job on Monday and then the funeral yesterday. Hopefully, we can make time today or tomorrow...And hopefully, I feel better so I don't get him sick too.

Maybe I jumped the gun here...

I think I might have jumped the gun about Truck Driver. Turns out he's got a pretty bad fucking temper and I am soooo not up for that. He yelled at me on the phone yesterday, something about having to send me a telegram or some shit and I don't even have a clue what the hell he was talking about. I know he was pretty stressed out yesterday, but it had absolutely nothing to do with me and I let him know about it too. Pissed me off...I have had lots and lots of stressful days, courtesy of The Ex, but not once have I ever taken it out on Truck Driver when he calls. Then I happened to get off work a little early and he called again and asked me if I wanted to go on a quick run with him so we could hang out for a while since he has his kids this weekend and I don't exist when he has his kids. So, anywho...I had planned on getting my nails done after work, but that is not exactly a major priority, so I told him I would meet him at the yard and he could pick me up there. Ok, no problem...Right...So I get to the yard and he was parking another trailer so I sat in my car and waited for him. He drove over by me, got out of the truck and came and sat in the car with me. He was talking on the phone to his office and he sat there for a couple minutes and after hearing what who-ever-was-on-the-other-end had to say, he yells "Fuck this!", jumps out of my car, slams the door shut, jumps in the semi and drives off. WTF???? So, being the type of person that has to have the last word, I called him. He answered, and I was like, "what the heck just happened here?" He said that he didn't have to make that run after all, and that I should just go on home and he would call me later, which I knew perfectly well that he wouldn't and I was right. So, now I have no fucking clue what the hell happened there nor do I have any idea why he yelled at me on the phone. And, I won't be able to talk to him until Monday, because even if I hadn't erased his number out of my cell phone so that I wouldn't be tempted to call him, he doesn't answer his phone when he has the kids anyhow. So, the last couple days have been WONDERFUL. But I guess I wasn't really expecting much from him anyhow, but I hate to see it end so soon...The sex was pretty good, after all and it's not like I have anything (anyone!) to do right now anyhow...

Nothing new to report today

Nothing exciting happening here...Talked to one of my colleague's, who's father has been battling hodgkins disease for the past several months and they found out that he is in remission today, which is really cool. Also found out that the company that I work for is in trouble AGAIN and there is speculation by some of the employees that we might be for sale soon. Great. Love the idea of looking for a new job. Not. Bought tickets to go see Rodney Carrington on April 1st, too. Gonna take Truck Driver for his birthday, if he sticks around that long. Damn tickets were fucking expensive too...$96. But it should be pretty fun and if Truck Driver disappears before then, I'll find someone else to go with me. I'm sure it won't be that hard. Other than that, nothing has been happening. I'm seriously bored out of my mind right now. I've had Hair Nation playing on the TV all day, so I've been rockin' out. For those of you not familiar with Sirius satellite radio, Hair Nation is a channel on there that plays nothing but old 80's hair bands all day long. I love that channel. Dish Network also plays some of the Sirius music stations and since we have a Dish feed into my store, I get to listen to pretty much whatever I want. Sirius also has a channel called Faction that plays some pretty awesome music, plus my future husband, Bam Margera, has a radio show on there on Monday nights. Tony Hawk has one on Tuesdays, too. It's pretty cool. I've had Sirius for about 9 months now, and I rarely listen to anything else. I have a couple of CD's in my car that I listen to sometimes, but other than that, I don't listen to public radio anymore. I know, I know, I'm terrible. Spoiled is more like it. What can I say? I enjoy the finer things in life.
I loaded my new H.I.M. CD onto my Ipod Nano last night. I swear, I don't think I will ever fill that damn thing up...It will hold 500 songs, and I think I barely have 100 in it now. Pretty lame, huh? Drama Queen thinks she needs an Ipod now...I don't think she is quite ready for that. If I could have gotten my shuffle to work before I exchanged it for my Nano, I might have kept that and given it to her. But she can wait. Little brat already has a cell phone...I was 25 before I got my first cell phone. I didn't buy it for her either. I'm innocent this time. Don't get me wrong, that kid doesn't want for much...But I didn't buy her the phone. And I make her little ass work for the money to put minutes on it too. She is getting a lot better about helping around the house. Still not sure that I trust her enough to do laundry, but she is great about helping with dishes and taking trash out and stuff like that. And she has gotten so much better about keeping her room clean, too. Now if I could just get her to clean mine...

Much better day...

The Ex called last night to apologize for calling me names. He claims that he is happy that I found someone. I'm not sure what he is up to, but whatever. I'm not going to let him get to me anymore. Truck Driver got pissed off when I told him what he said. He said the same thing that Mands said (see previous post comments), that he was only doing it because he knew it bothered me and he was only trying to get to me. It worked this time. No more, though. I'm over it. I no longer care what he thinks about me. He claims to be so fucking happy with the new girlfriend, then he needs to go be with her and leave me the hell alone! He's lost all control over me and it's driving him crazy and he is trying to push that off on me. But I'm not going to let him drag me down. I don't understand how someone can live with so much negativity in their life. Life is too short...